Vulnerability at work………… #itstartswithme!

Written by: Nona Kucher

 

Shhhhhhhhhh!

That’s right…hide. I can hide in my office, hide in my car, hide in the nights alone at home and hide in my soul but I can’t hide how I feel sometimes. It  may be noticeable, but most times it’s not. For people like me, it’s easy to exist when there is busyness around, especially at work. Many do not know but I have struggled with depression since my early teens. I manage it now but it wasn’t always that way.

The details of why I didn’t want to exist anymore are irrelevant but know there were two significant times in my life where that was the case. The ages were 18 and 47. You may ask “how could this be?” I had so much going for me; a whole life to live out. It’s true… I didn’t want to live anymore but never had the guts to do anything about it, thank god! This didn’t change how I felt, however. Both times were very lonely. Months and months of laying in my bed staring at the walls. I literally gave up the will to go on.

When I look back, it seems so surreal. I have hid behind my reality all these years. Just the thought that I felt that way before scares me so bad. How could I let myself go there? When you are in that place, you don’t see beauty, you don’t see the people that care about you, you don’t see all the things that you could be doing and you don’t even see yourself as a human being. My self-talk was so negative and I made sure I didn’t forget every single bad thing I ever did or said. The more I would put myself down, the weaker I got. The pain of staying on the earth, in this life, was greater than the thought of leaving it. Read that again. The pain of staying on earth, in this life, was greater than the thought of leaving it. It is hard to imagine but these were my real feelings. There just seemed to be no way out!

With my family’s commitment to my health and time that passed, I did get the help I needed but felt so vulnerable. I used to think that vulnerable meant “weak”, “at risk”, “easily hurt” or “attacked” and so on. Vulnerability comes from the Latin word for “wound,” vulnus. Vulnerability is the state of being open to injury, or appearing as if you are.

A couple of years ago, a friend introduced me to a different meaning of vulnerability. I knew I had to change the way I looked at myself in a different way, my mindset and life around me in order to have a meaningful life, “If I don’t change…nothing will change.”

These next words describe me in my vulnerability  and by sharing these definitions I’ve gathered up over the years, in a refreshing light; I hope that it lightens the load that some of us carry for years:

Vulnerability means you fall  easily. You see the best in people. You love them over the little things  — the way their smile shines and the intensity of their stare. You get attached easily, because you give yourself the freedom to feel.

Vulnerability means you are comfortable opening up to other people. You are willing to look someone in the eyes and spill your soul. You want others to know the authentic you instead of forcing a fake smile every time you enter the real world or workplace.

It means your mood can change in an instant. Seeing one sentence on social media can cause your heart to drop. It can ruin your entire day, and cause you to re-think everything you thought you knew about a person or yourself.

You care deeply about things. You do not want to lose what you have, because you love what you have. You love your life — or at least certain pieces of it. Moreover, you are not willing to loosen your grasp on them.

You are willing to jump straight into love and give someone half your heart, possibly giving him or her the power to destroy you or rebuild you. Still working on this…

It means you are comfortable crying over the things that upset you instead of pushing away all of your emotions. You are the type of person that grabs a tissue and let the tears fall instead of replacing your sadness with anger. You admit when you are upset instead of trying to put on an act and appear strong when you are secretly crumbling. Everyone crumbles.

Vulnerability means you have nothing to hide. The people closest to you know about your dreams, your hopes, and your fears. They know who you really are. You have given them permission to dig deep inside of yourself. It is scary but so freeing.

You have a clear understanding of who you are as a person. You realize you are not indestructible. You are not superhuman. You are mortal and full of flaws — but you are still beautiful and you can still be a rock star at work!

You have empathy for people you have never met. Realizing that you are in a community with strangers across neighbourhoods, at work and in the world. That you are connected because you share common thoughts and beliefs, and because of this, you are not so alone after all. In fact, it is the opposite.

You have doubts. You think so highly of other people, of your friends and coworkers and parents, that you cannot stop comparing yourself to them. It does not mean you hate yourself — but it does mean that you see places where you can make improvements and try your hardest to do so.

You admit when you are wrong. You do not pretend to know everything. You realize that you have a lot left to learn, and that there are so many people out there that can teach you more about the universe. Vulnerability means having a huge heart. Caring about others wanting what is best for the people around you, which includes the people you work with.

Vulnerability means you are human — so don’t ever feel bad about shedding a single tear, and admitting that no, you are not fine!

To think that I spent half of my life feeling like I was a bad person because I thought I was weak, in other words, “vulnerable”.

Today, I embrace these new meanings of the word, I embrace me and I embrace the opportunity it gives me at work to check in on my co-workers with this new awareness. My story is my gift to those who are feeling the way I once did and still do sometimes. It’s okay, I am okay, and so are you! #Itstartswithme to have the courage to talk about the silence around us . The more we talk, the more we help.

Help is different for everyone, but always starts with talking to someone, could be your doctor, a counsellor, partner, a loved one, family, friends  or a co-worker like  .

[AJ1]can you expand on “It” a little? would “hiding” work here?

[AJ2]Could you say “These next words describe me in my vulnerability now” just to set up the next part?

[AJ3]Could you say “let your guard down easily” here?

[AJ4]Do you mean you love them for things that are more than meets the eye, a deeper connection?

[PRT5]Anything more to add here Nona?

[AJ6]Could you say “and not stay silent”?

[AJ7]Could this say instead “your partner, a loved one..”?

[AJ8]A very warm, expressive and open piece, Nona. You should be proud

[PRT9]Ditto that Nona!

Nona writes in the “AFTER HOURS” a Teck publication. I was very impressed with the sincerity of my daughter and I asked her for permission to reprint here in my blog.

Posted by Elmer Verigin February 15, 2020 1645